Nörd.

#43 The Thin Red Line : Rumble in the jungle

2011-04-18T12:17:00.006+02:00

Terrence Malick's The Thin Red Line, can not only brag with perhaps the greatest cast ever assembled, but can also claim to be the greatest war movie put down on celluloid (although it's running extremely close-by to classics such as Apocalypse Now and contemporary masterpiece Saving Private Ryan as well). Despite it's philosophical nature, The Thin Red Line, truly delivers when it comes to the action part of the show, flaunting some of the most intense and exhausting imagery to date, while Nick Nolte's equally intense officer Lt. Col. Gordon Tall are shouting commands into a telephone, louder and more scarily, than the massive bombings that are tearing the tiny island of Guadalcanal to smithereens.
The moment in particular offers up a combination of heartfelt emotions, beautiful cinematography, great acting and what must be considered as Hans Zimmer's (the composer equivalent of a car factory) greatest orchestral score so far, as the American soldiers charges a Japanese camp through mist and confusion. Astonishing as well as horrifying. True fucking art.

#43 Burn After Reading: Basement secret

2010-07-16T13:38:00.000+02:00

Director: Ethan & Joel Coen
Genre: Comedy
Key Players: George Clooney, Frances McDormand

In the third collaboration between George Clooney and the Coen brothers, Clooney portrays womanizing schmuck Harry Pfarrer, a slight paranoid marshal working for the State Department. In a way to score with Frances McDormand's love craving Linda Litzke he presents his secret basement project: the dildo chair. A rocking chair fitted with a dildo to go up and down when you lean back. Her reaction? "That's fantastic!" Sure is.

#42 Zombieland: Opening flair

2010-06-10T21:53:00.000+02:00

Director: Ruben Fleischer
Genre: Zomcom
Key Players: Extras

First, this is no Shaun of the Dead. Far from it. But, it's quite funny at times and Bill Murray cameos as himself, quite brilliantly. Besides from that, nothing else in the movie tops the slow motion opening credits, where people are being attacked in all kinds of different situations. Stylish and also sets the tone for the picture. Let's take a look. (Click the image for a grander view)

#41 Forgetting Sarah Marshall - Schlong surprise

2010-06-10T21:45:00.002+02:00

Director: Nicholas Stoller
Genre: Comedy
Key Players: Jason Segel

In my original draft, I had prepared this great essay-like diatribe, using some big and impressive words to describe the injustice and hypocrisy that is nudity on film. Unless you dig really deep and look at the very worst and the most tasteless films (and I will), not a single dick are to be found. There's no arguing that there is an unfavorable exposure towards the other sex. Don't get me wrong, I have no intention to ban or get all high up on my horse, condemning nudity and such. On the contrary. I want to see more dicks on film. If not for the purpose of equality, then perhaps for their comedic value (as we'll soon find out). End of rant. Let's begin.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is another watered down comedy of the Judd Apatow brand. The diet Coke version, if you will, when compared with the real thing. The usual players appear to some extent, the jokes tend to deal with sex and drinking and the whole thing is fronted by the goofy looking guy from the insufferable but somehow popular (it's a total mystery!) TV-show How I Met Your Mother's Vagina (I'm pretty certain that's the name), Jason Segel. How bad the show may be, and it is, I enjoyed Forgetting Sarah Marshall more than I ever could have imagined. Plus, and here comes the twist, Segel does what few men of any sort of importance have done before: full frontal nudity. In the very opening of the film, his longtime girlfriend comes over to dump his ass. So he's just there in a towel when she drops the bomb. And he drops the towel. The camera doesn't stay on him for long, but there's no confusion here, that's his dick you see. Several times. He moves around freely, sitting down, getting up. Excuse me for the poor choice of words, but really milking it. Because they know it's funny. Dicks are funny. Because no one expects them to just pop out like that. Oh, he does it one more time in the end as well.

PS. How I Met Your Mother's Vagina is really awful, and anyone claiming otherwise cannot possibly have seen it. It's atrocious.

#40: Kingping: Bulljuice

2010-04-20T21:24:00.000+02:00

Director: Bobby & Peter Farrelly
Genre: Comedy
Key Players: Woody Harrelson, a bull

Before the Farrelly brothers hit it really big with There's Something About Mary and joking about getting cum in your hair, they did jokes about cum in King Pin (in far bigger quantities as well), a hit-and-miss comedy about bowling with Bill Murray and Woody Harrelson. In an attempt to get Amish manboy and natural bowling sensation Ismahel to go with him and win a lot of cash, he first needs to infiltrate his community and get on their good side. So in the spirit of kindness, he decides to milk the cow. And as he is taking several big gulps from the freshly acquired milk (he's got a big bucket full of it), he is let known they have no cow. Only a bull. Cheap gag, but very Farrelly.

#39 The Royal Tenenbaums: Suicide shave

2010-04-20T21:20:00.000+02:00

Director: Wes Anderson
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Key Players: Luke Wilson

Wes Anderson's quirky indie comedy about a dysfunctional family reunion of sorts, is cut out for cherry picking: funny dialogue mixed with a wonderful sense of visual panache, a great ensemble (Bill Murray, Luke Wilson, Owen Wilson, Angelica Huston, Gene Hackman, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ben Stiller and many more...) and stylish music makes The Royal Tenenbaum's a bordering cult classic. At times heartwarming and funny, but also serious and emotional. Luke Wilson's fallen tennis pro Richie Tenenbaum goes to some dark places and decides at one point to kill himself. Almost in a symbolic type way, he shaves his mighty beard and slits his wrist with razor blades, all to the wonderful but melancholic Elliott Smith tune Needle In The Hay (somewhat fittingly, since Smith himself died in 2003 under suspicious circumstances). He survives, of course, and is later asked by his brother whether his suicide note were dark or not. Well, that's The Tenenbaum's. Where the light is shining even in the darkest of tunnels.

#38 Snakes On A Plane: Mouthful

2010-04-14T20:34:00.000+02:00

Director: Do you really need to know?
Genre: Campy horror
Key Players: Who cares. They're naked and die. I'm sorry, but you're 15 minutes are up.

When lacking a proper script to base your film on, there are certain tricks filmmakers often employ. Cheap laughs, violence and gore, or perhaps the most common one, nudity. Snakes on a Plane is one of those movies. And perform poorly on all counts mentioned. For starters, a total give-away if you're watching a bad movie would be if the villain is interrupted while trying out some sweet ninja moves. (He is). And the evil mastermind plan he gives birth to? Smuggling a shitload of poisonousness snakes on board a big ass plane to off an important witness protected by bad ass Samuel L Jackson. Seems pretty uncertain in it's efficiency, but, this is the level we're at. And the scene in question is just another shallow attempt of spicing things up. Apparently, the exotic snakes were not enough to take hold of our attention.
A muscled-up surfer type guy and an airhead bimbo are getting it on in the bathroom when they're attacked by these evil snakes. He gets bitten in the throat. She in the breast. Now, if the snake had launched for her sssssssntach or taken a big bite of his, what I must assume, hard erect penis, then Snakes on a motherfucking Plane, would have brought something new, something unique, to the mix (there are too few dicks in the movies these days. Spread out the dicks). Sadly, this is the only thing I can recall from this sorry piece of film. The rest is a blur of bad CG snakes and poor acting. It's so bad, I bet Troma would not even dare to touch it with a ten foot pole. And they produce a lot of weird shit.

#37 Children Of Men: Chitty chitty bang bang bang (you're shot!)

2010-04-14T20:30:00.000+02:00

Director: Alfonso Cuarón
Genre: Thriller
Key Players: Julianne Moore, Clive Owen

What is there to be said about Alfonso Cuarón's Children of Men that hasn't been said before? It's fucking brilliant. And visually stunning. The complex and intricate sequences, spanning over several of minutes, without cutting, well, to put it as easy as can be: mind blowing. And the first of these (in a line of many) have to be car ride in which they are attacked by a gang of punk-ish rouge activists on bikes. The camera drops in and out of the action, spins around without any apparent limits, switching focus from person to person, for what seems a very long time. And all of this inside a small four door car. Certain tricks such as modified cars and specially built camera rigs are of course at play here, but the shot remains nonetheless an amazing shot.

# 36 Feast: Bollocks!

2010-04-14T20:27:00.000+02:00

Director: John Gulager
Genre: Horror
Key Players: Krista Allen, Henry Rollins (Yes, that Henry Rollins), Jason Mewes, Judah Friedlander

A small band of clashing characters, led by TV actress Krista Allen, are forced to work together in an effort to survive an attack from a bunch of bloodthirsty monsters dressed in fur. I know, it sounds really, really corny and it has got a big "Seen it, done that" stamp all over it. And while that certainly might be true to some degree, Feast will surprise you as a funny and sometimes disgusting horror film filled with great little gags and set pieces. Allen, perhaps best know for her earlier work in which she had a tendency to misplace all of her clothes, carries much of the film on her shoulders and does so with a remarkable flair. And surprisingly, never once does she, or anyone else for that matter, feel the urge to strip down, which is so common, but tiresome, for these types of low-budget horrors. Instead we get to spend time with the large cast and it's many different characters, such as Henry Rollins motivational speaker and Judah Friedlander's beer belly redneck. At times bloody and disgusting, others goofy and not so serious. The latter being my moment of choice. When being chased through the corridors by papa monster, the group slams a door in the monster's face, only to discover that it's brownish weirdly shaped penis got stuck in-between. I smell a barbecue.

#35 The Dark Knight: The Joker

2010-02-08T12:11:00.000+01:00

Director: Christopher Nolan
Genre: Action/Crime/Superhero
Key Players: Heath Ledger

It's pretty acknowledged by critic's and public alike, that Heath Ledger's performance as The Joker were an astounding one, worthy of the many accolades and awards he won post death. But for the right person, The Joker as a character is gold: extravagant and psychopathic. However, if not handled right, it could also crumble and collapse. Like it did way back when Tim Burton and Jack Nicholson tried to breathe life into the masked vigilante (I never did like those movies). Christopher Nolan were just incredibly lucky to bag an actor worthy of the task, someone who saw him through the same lens as Nolan. And out of that vision, a blazing psychopath was born. From Nicholson's clownish buffoon to Heath's ice cold killer. The transformation were immense. For me, no image speak of The Jokers insanity and raving mad personality than the one below. He's just broken out of prison, leaning out of the window of a police car, like a mad dog let free into the world to bring chaos and havoc. It's beautifully shot and put together, with the Jokers distressing theme music (a single note, growing in strength) in the background. Wonderful.

#34 King Kong: Four beasts enter, one will leave...

2010-02-08T12:10:00.000+01:00

Director: Peter Jackson
Genre: Adventure
Key Players: Naomi Watts, Kong, three T-Rex

In 2005, when Peter Jackson's remake of King Kong was released, it was an unprecedented feat of animation and special effects: the surroundings were huge, from Skull Island to New York; the creatures, how crazy they even might have looked, you believed; and Kong himself acted and looked totally real. So to pit the mighty Kong against three Tyrannosauras Rex in a fight over Naomi Watts, well, that's a look into the mind of Peter Jackson. Even though it's a bit OTT, it works. Like always. It's one of those mind boggling extraordinary scenes that you can watch over and over, even now, five years later, and still be amazed about.

#33 Apocalypse Now: Attack of Wagner

2010-02-08T12:09:00.000+01:00

Director: Francis Ford Coppola
Genre: War
Key Players: Martin Sheen, Robert Duvall

Coppola's frantic masterpiece Apocalypse Now, dealing with the extreme absurdities of war, offers up more than handful of great moments to chose from, all as visually strong as thought-provoking. But who can forget the massive chopper attack, accompanied to Wagner's bombastic Ride of the Valkyries. It's grand and awe inspiring as well as demented and disgusting. The horror, the horror.

#32 Rules of Attraction: Victor Ward Montage

2010-02-08T12:07:00.000+01:00

Director: Roger Avary
Genre: Drama (sort of)
Key Players: Kip Pardue

Although it differs a little from the book, Avary's adaptation of cult novelist Bret Easton Ellis' The Rules Of Attraction, the feel and style of the movie is pretty much the same as the book. And all the little quirks and tricks that Mr Ellis employs in his writing comes forth the strongest in the "Victor Ward Goes To Europe" montage. Narrated and edited in an insane pace with images of him doing drugs, sleeping around, more drugs, meeting random people doing random things, this is how you imagine that particular chapter to look like. It's evocative and embodies Ellis' writing to a much greater extent than let's say the other famous Bret Easton Ellis adaptation.

#31 X-Men: The Last Stand: Phoenix rising

2010-01-26T20:16:00.000+01:00

Director: Bret Rattner
Genre: Action/Superhero
Key Players: Famke Janssen, Hugh Jackman

Even though the first two installments of Marvel's cinematic series of the X-Men were significantly better, it's the third one (and the bad one) I've chosen for my ongoing series of memorable moments from the movies. In the the third and final act of the movie, Famke Janssen's Jean Grey embraces her buried persona, The Phoenix, in a pretty grand and astonishing fashion, releasing all her raw power on people and X-Men alike. There's fire, water, junk flying around, soldiers disintegrating to dust. It's quite spectacular and the only real moment that gets my nerdy comic book heart pumping with adrenaline. Piece of shit movie with a great climax.

#30 Alien: Chestburster

2010-01-26T20:10:00.000+01:00

Director: Ridley Scott
Genre: Sci fi/thriller
Key Players: Sigourney Weaver, John Hurt

What would be more appropriate for my thirtieth posting than doing a scene from a film released some thirty years ago. Ridley Scott's slow-burning horror set in space redefined sci-fi for years to come and introduced the almighty Chestburster; a moment for the history books. Feeling a little queezy, John Hurt (fitting name, don't you think) starts panting, at this point unaware that a little monster soon will burst through skin and bone, in a flood of blood and gore, ruining a perfectly good meal. The unexpected horror and total shock of the event is so visceral and authentic, perhaps because no one really knew what was going to happen, and has become one of those extremely iconic moments that, even if you haven't seen the movie in question, you know of it and what it entails. Pure brilliance. Pure Ridley.

#29 Choke: Oi with the poodles already

2009-12-23T09:56:00.000+01:00

Director: Clark Gregg
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Key Players: Sam Rockwell (great), Heather Burns

Sam Rockwell portrays Victor Mancini, a medicine drop-out and sex addict who pretends to choke on food in restaurants to earn money on people's sympathies. But when faced with boredom of regular copulation, he goes further and beyond. He sets up a meeting with a woman he found on the Internet (where else?) who gets off on "simulated rape" and some of the rougher stuff. Even though rape is not a funny thing to joke about, this particular meeting does set up a good premise for absurd comedy. "Whatever you do, do not rape me on the bedspread, its silk, it will spot, so rape me on the floor. But not on the floor itself, on a towel on the floor, but on the wood part, not the rug". When said "raping" (it's pretty awkward) does begin and things turns even weirder, frustration builds when he manage to break all the above rules concerning floors, bedspreads and so forth, "Why don't you shut up, and let me rape you my way?!" he exclaims. The whole ordeal climaxes with them taking care of their own business: she's on the floor with an electrical buzzing contraption. He the old-fashioned way. On her bed. Not on the towel, as instructed. It's a pretty bizarre moment as well as the only funny one. Disappointing.

#28 Being John Malkovich: Total Malkovich

2009-12-23T09:51:00.000+01:00

Director: Spike Jonze
Genre: Comedy/Weirdo
Key Players: John Malkovich, John Malkovich, John Malkovich

Being John Malkovich is a meeting of sheer genius and pure lunacy (would you expect anything else from the creative madman who came up with Adaptation and The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?). The story: John Cusack finds a hidden door into the mind/head of actor John Malkovich. Literally. Despite the weird premise you are overtaken by it's ideas, charm and excellent acting from Cusack, wife Cameron Diaz and of course the man himself, John Malkovich. But when Malkovich enters Malkovich, it just goes off the charts bonkers. Everywhere he looks, there's Malkovich. Speaking nothing else than Malkovich. It's a high concept movie, but it's insanely good and a definite must see.

#27 Zack And Miri Make A Porno: Shitfaced

2009-12-23T09:44:00.000+01:00

Director: Kevin Smith
Genre: Comedy
Key Players: Jason Mewes, Katie Morgan, Jeff Anderson

Following the shitty footsteps of Black Book, here's some more. In Kevin Smith's mildly fun gross-out comedy Zack And Miri Make A Porno, best friends Zack And Miri (Seth Rogen & Elizabeth Banks) decides to make a porno in order to pay rent. A pretty cheap setup for nasty jokes about cum, dicks and vagina's, even for a man like Smith, who's made a name for himself as a smart and witty man while making crude jokes about sex. But I guess extreme situations demand extreme solutions. In Clerks II they put on a donkey show inside of a fast food restaurant. So how do you top that? Here's how! While shooting a scene for their movie, leading fuck-man Jason Mewes, well, to put it as simple as possible, pulls out of "backed up" Katie Morgan perhaps a little too fast ("Anal's great when you're constipated" she enthuses, but don't worry, you don't actually see anything, it's not real porn you see). Cue close-up of poor cameraman Jeff Anderson, lying on his back, taking it all in from down under (a very important angle I might add), when it all backfires and he's hit by a cascade of stark brown poo on his face (you can even spot pieces of corn in there). It's gross as well as funny. Avoid chocolate pudding while watching.

Splash!

#26 Zwartboek (Black Book) - Lots and lots of shit

2009-12-23T09:32:00.000+01:00

Director: Paul Verhoeven
Genre: War/Thriller
Key Players: Carice Van Houten

The third (and hopefully final) mention of something that has Paul Verhoeven's named attached to it's title (previous posts include Starship Troopers and Basic Instinct). In Black Book, Paul, as I like to call him, returns to his roots, with this dutch World War II spy-thriller, re-living some memories (and some made up) as a youngster growing up in occupied Holland. And as with most of Paul's work, you'll find not so subtle undertones of eroticism and sex - Black Book is no exception. But unlike the glossy sweaty sex between Sharon Stone and Michael Douglas, here he uses it almost as a reverse effect, keeping it nasty and clinical. Almost business like. Because that's what it is: an undercover operation that makes the heroine go through all possible ordeals. And with pretty devastating results. When put in jail for empathizing with the enemy, Carice Van Houten's underground spy is stripped to her bones and gets an entire dumpster filled with crap (and I mean crap in the true meaning of the word: shit, poo, ass cream) released on top of her. It's gross, humiliating and pure nasty. Black Book shines on occasion, but is really just a watered down mix between Inglorious Basterds and Lust, Caution. Make up your own mind.

#25 High Fidelity: Put violence on shuffle

2009-11-28T21:16:00.000+01:00

Director: Stephen Frears
Genre: Comedy
Key Players: John Cusack, Tim Robbins, Jack Black, Todd Louiso

Facing his ex-girlfriend's new lover, John Cusack's mild mannered music geek Rob Gordon, finally loses it, thinking up a plethora of ways to hurt this man (Tim Robbins) standing before him. It's well executed and quite unexpected and proves that unprovoked violence sure is fun!

#24 The Exorcist: Alonetime with Jesus

2009-11-28T21:12:00.000+01:00

Director: William Friedkin
Genre: Horror
Key Players: Linda Blair, Ellen Burstyn

Much like Kubrick's The Shining, The Exorcist is a slow creeping unsettling affair dealing with possessed people doing weird shit. In The Exorcist we follow young girl Regan MacNeil (Linda Blair) and her mother (Ellen Burstyn), when the daughter, by serendipity, is taken over by ill-minded demons. In one terrifying moment, Regan is masturbating with a giant crucifix shouting the famous line "Let Jesus fuck you" over and over. Perhaps calling it masturbation would be to sugarcoat it a bit. This is more of a violent act causing severe damage to her down under parts. When interrupted in her most joyous and intimate moment, she forces her mother's face into her messed up blood soaked genitals (thankfully, nothing explicit is shown though!) screaming "Lick me! Lick me!". Not only is it a weird scary moment but it also sums up, in a very visual way, my view on Christianity.

#23 The Three Musketeers: Dungeon of lard

2009-11-28T21:09:00.000+01:00

Director: Stephen Herek
Genre: Adventure
Key Players: Charlie Sheen, Kiefer Sutherland, Oliver Platt, Chris O'Donnel

The thing I remember the most from this childhood favorite, is when the musketeers raid the king and queen's castle in the end (sacrifice your life for your king? What a ludicrous idea!) and the battle with the fat keeper of prisoners and said piece of lard being impaled on one of his very own torturing devices. Who could have seen that coming?! In retrospect, The Three Musketeers would mark a professional highlight for many of the included players: Chris O'Donnel has as of yet, not made a movie that surpasses The Three Musketeers; Charlie Sheen married Denise Richards; Kiefer Sutherland found minor fame chasing Russians, Muslims and corrupt politicians and Oliver Platt had a short but amusing stint on The West Wing. Director Stephen Herek went on to make such classics as Holy Man and Man of the House. Good going everyone!

#22 300: This. Is. Not. Getting. Old

2009-11-14T16:17:00.000+01:00

Director: Zack Snyder
Genre: Action action action
Key Players: Gerard Muscle Mountain Butler

By the sheer power of his voice (and a bare superhuman upper torso) Gerard Butler screamed his way to extreme fame and into the movie history books. Overnight, the "This Is Sparta" moment, became legendary. The Internet flooded with jokes and gags and numerous movies/TV-shows has since been exploiting and parodying it (with different results: South Park, yes. Meet The Spartans, no!) for their own purposes. Regardless, this is the moment that grounded Zack Snyder's Frank Miller adaptation in pop culture for all the time ever in history. It's really macho and overly aggressive. But hey, I guess that's Sparta.

# 21 Slither: Pop goes the stomach

2009-11-14T14:51:00.000+01:00

Director: James Gunn
Genre: Horror/Comedy
Key Players: Nathan Fillion, Elizabeth Banks, Gregg Henry

In keeping with the exploitation spirit, this is Slither. Troma connected James Gunn, struck gold with his low budget cult splatter-comedy Slither where Joss Whedon favorite Nathan Fillion (Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Firefly, Serenity) lends a great deal of charm and wit to his small town police officer Bill Pardy as they are invaded by slimy malicious worms. And as with most creatures, they all tend to come from a "mother" or host if you will. Well, these slithery worms are no exception. Cue huge bloated woman hidden in the woods (spoiler alert: she later explodes!). Funny and gruesome. A great deal of fun.

#20 Grindhouse: Coming attractions

2009-11-07T15:01:00.000+01:00

Director(s): Rob Zombie, Edgar Wright, Eli Roth, Robert Rodriguez
Genre: Horror/Comedy/Action
Key Players: Udo Kier, Nick Frost, Danny Trejo, Eli Roth, Nick Frost and many more...

The best thing about Quentin Tarantino's and Robert Rodriguez's horror project Grindhouse, were in fact not the movies themselves, but the slew of fake trailers attached to them. Put together by a notable bunch of friends from the industry, these trailers, despite their short running time, were hell of a lot more entertaining and bizarre than the feature films combined. A great hoot indeed. Here's a short breakdown.

Werewolf Women Of The SS

This is a take on the sleazy Nazi exploitation movies such as Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS and SS Experiment: Love Camp, mixed with a little bit of monsters. There's blood, sadistic experiments, Nazis in the snow, a weird decadent cabaret show, women in gas masks, weird outfits, werewolf's with machine guns and Nicholas Cage.

Don't

Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) contributed with a 70's inspired horror film starring (among several others) Wright regulars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost with a gutwrenchingly awesome voice-over by Arrested Development's Will Arnett. Dark hallways, dank basements, monsters and really cool graphics. An authentic throwback to the old haunted mansion "Don't go in there" type movies. Really funny.

Thanksgiving

Tarantino protégé Eli Roth's trailer for this holiday slasher film, is by far the most disturbing. Within the time span of a couple of minutes, several people have lost their heads and a woman is stabbed in the vagina when bouncing up and down on a trampoline. And then there's the famous killer-fucking-a-turkey-combined-with-human part in the end.

Machete

Written a long time ago for Rodriguez's pal Danny Trejo, then, later, turned into a fake trailer for Grindhouse. Fast forward to present day: Machete is now in production to be turned into a full feature film. Based on the trailer. Whacky stuff. This mexploitation action piece will most likely be in the same spirit of Rodriguez's other Mexican action films as well as Planet Terror. And if the trailer is any indication of how this full length feature will shape up, considering the rouge cast Rodriguez has gathered (Robert De Niro, Cheech Marin, Lindsay Lohan, Steven Seagal, Jessica Alba, Don Johnson), then, this is something you'd want to keep an eye on. Or not?!

#19 Beowulf: Beooowuuuuuulf!!!

2009-10-30T22:00:00.000+01:00

Director: Robert Zemeckis
Genre: Fantasy/Animation/Action/Lame
Key Players: Ray Winstone, giant sea creature

With the right amount of playfulness Beowulf could have been an over-the-top action fest. An animated Conan The Barbarian if you will. But entertaining. Instead it turned out to be a piece of crap filled with clunky dialogue and poor mocap. It's so dull and moves along at such a slow pace, that when he actually kills something, you don't even care! The only redeeming moment (and this is how the movie should have been all the way through) though, is a quick skirmish between Beowulf and a terrifying monster of the sea, ending with Beowulf erupting through the monster's eye, covered in blood and gore (at least that's how I like to remember it), screaming his name, like any great hero would. Pretty immense. But this is about a five second long sequence and given the length of the film, this alone does not save it from being a meaningless waste of time. It seems the only thing that could have saved this movie, would have been if Angelina Jolie (as a golden Grendel) would lie spread eagle in her dank cave where she resides. No such luck.

Beeeeocrap!

#18 Blazing Saddles: Tumbledown

2009-10-24T20:57:00.000+02:00

Director: Mel Brooks
Genre: Comedy
Key Players: Cleavon Little, Gene Wilder, Harvey Korman

For me, growing up in a home with the likes of Peter Sellers and Monty Python, seeing Mel Brooks' classic western satire Blazing Saddles, were, even at an early age, nothing out of the ordinary. Sure, I didn't get all the gags and the comedic subtleties. But entertaining nonetheless. It's so weird and it's aware of itself being weird. And this becomes so clear in the end with it's off the chart wacko ending. While the good guy's are throwing down fisticuffs with the baddies, they accidentally tumble though the wall of their set to a totally different studio, where they are shooting a totally different film. And this goes on. For quite some time. And the brawl just keeps on growing and getting bigger, more and more people getting involved. It all ends with our hero and villain watching themselves on the big screen, in real time. It's so bizarre and brilliant it has got to be one of the craziest endings ever put on film. Hilarious.

#17 Spider-man 2: Birth of the octopus

2009-10-02T20:44:00.000+02:00

Director: Sam Raimi
Genre: Action/Superhero
Key Players: Alfred Molina

Until The Dark Knight broke loose in the summer of 2008, Spider-man 2 was regarded as the biggest (and perhaps the best?) thing around, within the comic book movie industry that is. So even though the franchise came crashing down with it's third installment (too many villains and weirdo segments!), Spider-man 2 delivered some pretty cool moments (the train-run-amok fight sequence for one), but the birthing of Doctor Octopus, and the series so far best villain, is classic Raimi. Shot in a style that breathes his old and revered horror films (the Evil Dead series), this particular scene is so unexpected and raw (for a child/youth oriented type movie at least) it's a no-brainer really when it comes down to singling out a particular moment. Pretty good movie as well.

#16 The Cottage: (Blank)

2009-09-30T21:46:00.001+02:00

Director: Who cares
Genre: "Horror"/"Comedy"
Key Players: Andy Serkis, Jennifer Ellison

If you believe the quotes on the cover, The Cottage should be, if accurate: gory, dark and hilarious. A horrorfest and a treat. A new Shaun Of The Dead if you will. Sure, comparing it with Shaun (now a cult classic), well that's aiming a bit high, but in the end, a good horror comedy nonetheless. Wrong. Let me tell you what The Cottage lacks: horror, gore and comedy. All the things you are promised. Also, when starring frequent British glamor model/tabloid princess (she can now add horrible actress to her resume) Jennifer Ellison, you'd at least expect some kind of flesh. Eaten or otherwise. But no. Pretty disappointing for a movie of this kind. Nothing here either stands out or strikes me as even worthy of a mention. In the spirit of Seinfeld's classic Soup Nazi: No moment for you!

#15 Private Parts: Radiogasm

2009-09-20T15:41:00.001+02:00

Director: Betty Thomas
Genre: Comedy
Key Players: Howard Stern, a speaker, a phone, random half-naked lady

From the very beginning, Howard Stern has been pushing the limits for what can be said and done while on the radio. With his frequent use of foul language, politically incorrect opinions and explicit situations, often involving naked ladies in some shape or form, people usually go batshit crazy whenever he open his mouth. Let's face it, the man is used to controversy. So considering the nature of his work, you can expect there to be plenty of outstanding moments to chose from. So, with the purpose to upset, humiliate and provoke (like always) he makes a woman orgasm by playing a deep bass sound, while straddling her speaker. On the air. Pretty questionable but remains one of those moments you'll remember.

#14 Inglourious Basterds: Operation Kino

2009-09-18T23:14:00.000+02:00

Director: Quentin Tarantino
Genre: War/Thriller
Key Players: Michael Fassbender, Diane Kruger, Til Schweiger, August Diehl

Fresh in mind, I thought it only appropriate to say a few words about Tarantino's most recent cinematic outing, the sprawling WWII epic Inglourious Basterds. But where to start? What to chose? It would be an understatement to say that it is difficult to just pick one glorious (or in this case, an inglourious, haha, lame) moment from a movie, which basically consists of one awesome moment after another. To pick just one moment from a movie such as Inglourious Basterds, well, that's fucking hard as fuck.
For a while I was thinking of going with the Hugo Stiglitz rock n' roll introduction (it's so left-field and unexpected, in a sort of expected Tarantino way, but at the same time, it isn't) but once consorting with myself, I settled on the tavern shootout instead. Well, there's more talking than shooting actually, but the looooong parts of dialogue that proceeds it, is perhaps some of Tarantino's best work: joyful, snappy and suspenseful. It's fantastic. The whole thing is put to an end with an extremely violent and quick shoot out with lots of carnage and other disturbances. Bravo.

#13 Speed: It's a plane, it's a bird, it's a...bus?!

2009-09-18T20:45:00.000+02:00

Director: Jan de Bont
Genre: Action
Key Players: Keanu Reeves, Sandra Bullock, a magical bus

What does one think of when asked to ponder the greatness that is Speed? Keanu's energetic, as well as charismatic, police cop Jack Traven? Perhaps Dennis Hopper losing his head in the commute? Or maybe it's the accidental blink-and-you-will-miss-it-upskirt that takes place during a brave elevator rescue mission? Three valid choices indeed. But none of them compare the slightest to a gravity defying magical rocket bus! Yes, the jump. The jump to end all other jumps. It's stupid, dumb and defies pretty much all laws of physics, reasoning and logic. Kind of like God. The difference? I enjoy the crazy bus jump. Not God. Because he's a douche. And doesn't exist. There you have it. End of debate.

#12 Boogie Nights: The dong show

2009-09-18T17:58:00.000+02:00

Director: Paul Thomas Anderson
Genre: Drama

Key Players: Marky Mark

Paul Thomas Anderson first rose to fame in the late 90's with his grand tale of a well-hung youngster that embarks on this amazing, spiritual journey, chasing the American dream...by screwing in-front of the camera.

Loosely based on the tragic existence of real porn legend John Holmes, Boogie Nights is a pretty dark piece filled with intense human drama, but also, hope and actually some funny moments, in a bizarre weird way. And best of all, there's porn. But, not porn porn. But porn, seen through the eyes of an extremely accomplished filmmaker (perhaps the best of his time?). As well as Holmes, Wahlberg's Dirk Diggler is sporting a giant trunk in his trousers, and although it is a fake in this case, it is shown in all it's glory for a brief moment at the end, and it all makes sense.

#11 Way Of The Gun: Mouth off

2009-09-03T21:37:00.000+02:00

Director: Christopher McQuarrie
Genre: Action

Key Players: Ryan Phillippe (Parker), Sarah Silverman (Raving Bitch), Paul Angel Flores (Bar Patron = nobody!)

Bar Patron: Hey, hey. Yeah you, get up. What are you retarded? Get off the fucking car!

Raving Bitch: Hey dickless, get off the fucking car! Hey fucksuck, get your slippery fucking ass off the car! Listen to me, get off the fucking car with your fucking ass!

Parker: Shut that cunts mouth or I'll come over there and fuckstart her head!

Raving Bitch: You're gonna wish you never fucking got up this fucking morning asshole, because my boyfriend's gonna fuck you up! And then after that while he's fucking up your fucking gay uncle over there I'm gonna fucking cut off your cock and mail it to your mother, you fucking faggot bitch! You gaylord fucking bitch! How do you like that? You like that a lot you fucking faggot? You like to ass fuck? Fontanella fucking babyheads!

Bar Patron: Go ahead.

Raving Bitch: You like to fuck babyheads? You like to fuck boys? He's gonna fuck you in the ass, how do you like that? He's not even gay but he'll do it just to fuck...

Bar Patron: Honey honey. She's got a big mouth but she's not kidding. I'm gonna whip you silly and I'm gonna fuck you stupid. You wanna do the man dance? First dance is yours. (BRAWL)

I rest my case.

#10 30 Days Of Night: Utilidor bloodshed

2009-08-30T02:28:00.000+02:00

Director: David Slade
Genre: Horror
Key Players: Josh Hartnett

Your friend and partner is turning into an angry vampire right before you - what do you do? Chop his fucking head off with a giant axe, of course. What else is there?

AAAARGH - SPLAFF - FLASHP

#9 The People Vs Larry Flynt: The speech

2009-08-30T00:38:00.000+02:00

Director: Milos Forman
Genre: Drama

Key Players: Edward Norton, the supreme court

It doesn't matter if it's Tom Cruise's Lt. Daniel Kaffee, Denzel Washington's regular Joe or Matlock himself, everybody loves a good speech. In Milo Forman's Oscar nominated tale The People vs. Larry Flynt, we follow Larry Flynt (a brilliant Woody Harrelson), creator and publisher of porno-mag Hustler Magazine, his drugged up love interest (a drugged up Courtney Love) and his young attorney and their many run-ins with the law and the Christian lunatics that run the US of A.

Like in all good courtroom dramas you need a grand speech. Cue Edward Norton's idealistic attorney at law, standing up for, not necessarily Flynt's agenda of peddling hairy beavers to the people, but for our right to choose and decide for ourselves, whether we want to buy it or not, and not just do as we are told by some self appointed morality police, in this case, the smug god-fearing fundamentalists on the right. When censorship and freedom of speech are being tampered with by religious retards, we need someone to stick it to them, a figure to rally behind. If that person's a questionable libertarian hero/crazy smut-uncle in a wheelchair, so be it. Nontheless, we need that speech.

#8 Matrix Revolutions: Brawling in the rain

2009-08-29T20:48:00.000+02:00

Director: Andy Wachowski, Larry Wachowski
Genre: Action/Sci fi
Key Players: Keanu Reeves, Hugo Weaving (by the thousands)

There's a couple of things that is unique for the Matrix Revolutions: A) It's not the original and far superior The Matrix, B) Monica Bellucci's massive cleavage and C) there's an outstanding hand to hand combat scene between Neo (The One) and Agent Smith (the other ones) in the end. Sure, while the first fight between them revolutionized pretty much all we knew about cinema at the time, this last and final confrontation is just good ol' wholesome fun for the whole family: there's heavy rain, lightning all around, they are trading punches in mid-air, buildings and streets are obliterated and turned to dust. And all in glossy green glow. It's just like a comic book, only, that it isn't. It's better. And no other superhero comic book movie have, so far, come close to matching any of the innovative action that can be seen in any of the Matrix trilogy. And all you naysayers, fuck off. It's not The Matrix Repetition, who wants that? It's a cool movie, let us leave it at that.

#7 Starship Troopers: Brain bug

2009-08-29T17:40:00.000+02:00

Director: Paul Verhoeven
Genre: Action
Key Players: Casper Van Dien, Denise Richards, Patrick Muldoon (could not care less about any of them), slimey snail-like brain monster

More with the Verhoeven, but who cares?! Upon it's release, most people dismissed The Hoeves playful (perhaps campy?) sci-fi actioneer as a commercial for fascism, when it really was the other way around. You know, being filled with suggestive political and social themes concerning media, propaganda and equality (listen to the audio commentary for further enlightenment). However, none of that really matters when you see millions of bugs, the sizes of cars, attacking a small fort in the desert resulting in a slaughter of green goo. That specific moment, is the very highlight of Starship Troopers. Intense and a lot of fun (especially when you're a youngster). But there's a giant snail in the end that sucks brain juice with a trunk and looks like a vagina in the face. Nuff said.

#6 The Fountain: Death is the road to awe

2009-08-29T17:19:00.000+02:00

Director: Darren Aronofsky
Genre: Drama
Key Players: Hugh Jackman, Hugh Jackman, Hugh Jackman

Whether you like it or not, Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain, is a feast, if not for the mind, then at least for the eye. With a smart and overlapping narrative, Aronofsky tells the story of a man (or several), through different times in history (past, present, future), in pursuit of cheating death in order to save his loved one (a wife, a queen, a tree). As Hugh Jackman's futuristic scientist travels through the golden nebula Xibalba, and it finally supernovas, we're treated to a stunning visual sequence: by accepting his inescapable death, his body explodes in a flash of gold, light and motion, rebirthing his dying tree in a fashion words can't do justice. Although I try.

#5 The Big Lebowski: Theodore Donald Kerabatsos

2009-07-30T19:52:00.000+02:00

Director: Joel Coen
Genre: Comedy

Key Players: Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi in a jar

An airborne Julianne Moore swooshing through a dark corridor, naked I might add, whilst painting a surreal version of womanhood; Lebowski himself getting attacked in the tub by a group of angry german nihilists and their ferret; or one of many absurd pointless discussion on the lanes ("What the fuck are you talking about? The chinaman is not the issue here, Dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT... Also, Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please").

There are so many glorious moments in The Big Lebowski, it's hard to pick just one, but Walter's memorial speech at the end, paying tribute to their friend's sudden death at the sunny coast of California is funny as well as heartwarming and emotional. The travesty that is his euology quickly turns into sorrow and regret. You can hear it in his voice and see it in his posture. It's a beutiful moment. They later go bowling.

#4 Basic Instinct: Groin pleaser

2009-07-30T18:17:00.000+02:00

Director: Paul Verhoeven
Genre: Erotic thriller

Key Players: Sharon Stone, Stone's beaver, Michael Douglas, Newman

The only thing (and I put a lot of emphasis on the word Only) people seem to remember (or perhaps, the only thing people want to remember) from Paul Verhoeven's erotic thriller Basic Instinct, is the classic shifting of the legs and consequential exposure of Sharon Stone's more private area. It's a decent film but without that specific moment, I suspect Basic Instinct would be considered just another semi-erotic Shannon Tweed-type thriller, really not worth the attention.

#3 Saving Private Ryan - Final stand

2009-07-04T11:45:00.000+02:00

Director: Steven Spielberg
Genre: War

Key Players: Tom Hanks, Matt Damon, 50 + nazis

The first 25 minutes of Steven Spielberg's masterpiece is already considered one of the most memorable ever put on film. However, the final confrontation between the small band of american soldiers, led by Tom Hanks, against the overwhelming force of Germans, is the one that really stands out. Just in terms of technically pulling this off, well, it's a thing of beauty. The long shots following the action from building to building, the tension, extreme violence and again, the choreography of the entire thing, is nothing but astonishing.

#2 Team America - Three kinds of people

2009-03-24T10:34:00.000+01:00

Director: Trey Parker
Genre: Comedy/Puppets

Key Players: Gary Johnston (Trey Parker - voice)

A saddend Gary Johnston seeks comfort in a bar when he's approached by a bearded drunk delivering one of those classic Trey Parker/Matt Stone over-the-top disgusting slash amazing trademark speeches they have come to master: a blend of extreme cursing and weird (but wonderful) logic. The scene ends climatically with a fountain of barf worthy an Oscar for something.

#1 Braindead - Lawn mower massacre

2009-03-23T12:48:00.000+01:00

Director: Peter Jackson
Genre: Horror/Comedy

Key Players: Timothy Balme, a shitload of zombies

Seventeen years after the fact, Braindead is still considered as one of the most influential pieces within the horror/comedy genre. With many funny moments to chose from, people best seem to remember the outrageous house party at the end and it's classic blood soaked ending. Armed with only a lawn mower, our hero Lionel, mows his way through a crowd of zombies, literally wading through a pool of blood and slippery guts. Now, that's funny.